Slightly Askew

I was once - I say “once”, it’ll probably happen again - confronted by someone questioning my use of the word and at the start of a sentence.

When I questioned why the position of this little word caused a problem, the response was this:

My teacher at school always told me not to start a sentence with and.

Many of my teachers weren’t particularly clever. My English teacher often changed her mind to go with the general consensus of the class. I swear on at least one occasion she stole my answer and passed it off as her own. So forgive me if I don’t really care for what your English teacher taught you.

Sadly, a simple “fuck off” doesn’t satisfy people; you have to provide evidence. Fortunately I found some on the back cover of Bill Bryson’s Troublesome Words.

The belief that and should not be used to begin a sentence is without foundation. And that’s all there is to it.

Thanks Bill.

The act of questioning someone else’s work is sadly commonplace. Long gone are the days when people were simply trusted to do a job well. Management consultants probably call it inclusivity. I much prefer interference. Or back-seat driving.

David Ogilvy sums it up brilliantly (as he often does).

Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

Thanks David.

If your goal is to knock people’s confidence and generating average work, keep opening your mouth. Otherwise, it’s probably better that people wonder why you don’t speak than why you bother to at all.

I visited McDonald’s today.  I ordered a Big Mac and waited patiently.  A young lady returned with my order and, as she placed it in my hand, said:

You should stop putting fatty foods into your body and get more exercise.  Why do you do it?  You should have more self-respect; a little more care and consideration about what you eat wouldn’t go amiss.

This, of course, didn’t happen.

However, I did go into Next’s town centre store in Ipswich.  It’s a familiar scene: rails and rails of clothes on plastic hangers; greetings cards in cellophane wrappers; and make-up gift sets in clear plastic boxes.

They also had reusable bags with the carrying the slogan ‘dare to care’.

If your company isn’t prepared to put in the effort, why should your customers?

I wrote my first ever Amazon review a few days ago.

It was about the rather wonderful Kenwood Smoothie To Go SB055.  Here’s a brief excerpt:

This smoothie maker will not, of course, change your life. But it will make you forget all those horribly awkward previous incarnations that got used once every six months. You know the ones: dishwasher safe but too big to fit in the dishwasher; quickly became scummy around seals and spouts.

Good eh?

I got a warm fuzzy feeling from writing that review - albeit a capitalist one.  Rewarding Kenwood for their innovation by giving prospective customers a delicate but honest shove in the right direction - at zero cost to supplier or customer.  The only cost is my time.

You do it too.  Maybe not on Amazon, and maybe not with the verve and swagger of I, but you do do it.

Down the pub, over dinner, or on the phone.  We’re always talking about products that make us happy, or service that makes us frustrated (if you want frustration, try finding a customer support number in 30 seconds on www.123-reg.co.uk).

So if you want more customers, give your existing customers - and anybody else for that matter - something good to talk about.

Easter eggs anyone?

Following yesterday’s post, Caroline - my better-qualified half - pointed out that having “more legroom on a First Choice Holiday” could be intended to build up imagery of spaciousness and relaxation on your particular holiday.

And she’s absolutely right.  It does do that.  But only when it’s been explained to me.

So although I think the strapline would work well visually:

Shot of man sitting down in aircraft.

Zooms in to show man stretching legs.

Zooms out to show man now on deserted beach on sun-lounger, being brought overly-extravagant cocktail by penguin-suited waiter.

Strapline and voiceover: “You get more legroom on a First Choice Holiday”.

Logo and website.

Commercial ends.

The text-ad alone doesn’t do that.  Well, not for me anyway.

Copied directly from Google AdWords: 

First Choice Holidays - www.firstchoice.co.uk - More legroom on First Choice Holidays. Book online today & save.

I’m hoping they were going to use the words flights, planes, or aircraft instead of Holidays.  Alas, brand governance probably caused sense to be jettisoned.

One of the best books I’ve read recently is Chocolate Mousse for Greedy Goose.

It’s full of fun, the story has a great rhythm, and the use of language is wonderful.

I should also mention the beautiful illustrations.  And the fact that it’s suitable for children.

I think I liked it more than my nephew.

It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be

If an idea of yours has ever been greeted by blank looks and general indifference, well done.  Keep up the good work.

Don’t worry, the book will explain everything.

Apostrophes are like knives: bloody dangerous in the wrong hands.

Now, as we know: apostrophes are used to denote possession or to denote missing letters.  Never plurals.  Never.  Even when it (arguably) adds a touch of clarity.

A bugbear of mine is do’s and don’ts.  It should be dos and don’ts.

Yes, dos looks like something computer programmers use, but do’s is just wrong.  There is no missing letter and no possession - so just leave that poor apostrophe out of it.

And if you’re going to persist with do’s, then for the sake of being consistently stupid, you should write don’t’s.

Pluralising common words often leads to trouble.  The following poem is from Woe is I and is rather wonderful.  (And yes, noes is the plural of no.)

Words to the Whys

Ups and downs and ins and outs,
Forevers and nevers and whys.
Befores and afters, dos and don’ts,
Farewells and hellos and goodbyes.
Life is a string of perhapses,
A medley of whens and so whats.
We rise on our yeses and maybes,
Then fall on our noes and our buts.

Content precedes design. Design in the absence of content is not design, it’s decoration.

Wise words, I reckon.

Here’s an interesting idea.

And here’s my attempt.