Slightly Askew

Seth talks about authenticity.  How much fakery do we accept?  What crosses the line?

When Howies sold out to Timberland (the footwear and clothing company; not the producer du jour), my friend Zoe with an umlaut sent me an email titled:

They all sell out in the end

Does it really matter?  Why?

Well, yes it does matter.  It matters because we care.

If you’re authentic enough, people start to care about your money-making enterprise as much you do.  Give us a warm, fuzzy feeling and something to talk about and we’ll buy more of your products, we’ll read your email newsletters and RSS feeds, and yes, we’d love to come to your village fete in middle of London.

We wear (or otherwise) your products because they align themselves with what we believe in and aspire to.

So - going back to Howies - let’s see what a Timberland’s President and CEO, Jeffrey Swartz, had to say about matters:

“We are excited and inspired by the brand potential we see in Howies and are pleased to welcome them to the Timberland family.  We look to invest in like-minded brands that are focused on innovation, authenticity and integrity, and Howies encompasses all of these core values. Together we will leverage our complementary strengths to bring our brands to new consumers and new markets.”

It is, perhaps, ironic that the only thing jeopardising Howies’ “authenticity and integrity” is Timberland.  Well, that and Mr Swartz’s irksome use of the word ‘leverage’.

Not because Timberland is a bad brand.  But because Howies built one of independence; with two fingers firmly raised towards take-take-take multinationals.

To me, these two companies curdle.  A bit like when I was seven years old and thought that mixing cherryade and milk would produce a sumptuous milkshake.

Zoe said that it made her sick too.

Following yesterday’s post, Caroline - my better-qualified half - pointed out that having “more legroom on a First Choice Holiday” could be intended to build up imagery of spaciousness and relaxation on your particular holiday.

And she’s absolutely right.  It does do that.  But only when it’s been explained to me.

So although I think the strapline would work well visually:

Shot of man sitting down in aircraft.

Zooms in to show man stretching legs.

Zooms out to show man now on deserted beach on sun-lounger, being brought overly-extravagant cocktail by penguin-suited waiter.

Strapline and voiceover: “You get more legroom on a First Choice Holiday”.

Logo and website.

Commercial ends.

The text-ad alone doesn’t do that.  Well, not for me anyway.

Copied directly from Google AdWords: 

First Choice Holidays - www.firstchoice.co.uk - More legroom on First Choice Holidays. Book online today & save.

I’m hoping they were going to use the words flights, planes, or aircraft instead of Holidays.  Alas, brand governance probably caused sense to be jettisoned.

You’re just about to sit down for dinner when the doorbell goes.

Ding-dong.

Hello Sir, you don’t mind if I come in, do you?  Brilliant, I’ll just take a seat here for a few moments.  Yeah, I’d love a cup of tea.  Milk, two sugars, not too strong.

So, anyway, I thought you might be interested in buying one of these wonderful new t-shirts that we’ve designed.  It’s got a hilarious strapline about saving water by drinking beer on the front.  You’ll love it.  Comes in four different colours.  If you buy it today, we’ll give you one-third off.  Yes, that’s right, one-third off.

And that’s about all.  Don’t worry about the tea, you’re too slow.  I’ll see myself out.  Thanks for listening.

Oh and if you didn’t want to hear from me, you should have unchecked a small box on our website when you enquired about a t-shirt a few weeks ago.

Would you even contemplate visiting that website again, let alone buy their product or service?  Of course you wouldn’t.

So why does your business send people emails that they didn’t ask for?  That they were just too lazy to opt-out of?  What does that say about your company?

It says you’re desperate and you’re scared.

Opt-in, on the other hand, says you’re confident that you’ve got something to offer that’s worth reading.

So which one are you?

It was quite some time ago when Wash & Go devised this snappy strapline.  Their product, you may remember, contained both shampoo and conditioner - negating the need for that frequent which bottle? decision.

In my youth, there were many great inventions like this: coke that looked like lemonade but tasted like coke; Push-Pops (a sweet you could eat, but save the rest for later); and teeth-coroding cereals made of compressed sugar, packaged under slightly misleading names such as Lucky Charms.

It’s a tribute to the marketers that Wash & Go’s product has all but dissappeared from our consicence, yet the strapline is cemented in the brains of those who witnessed the particular ad.  But why?

Maybe it was about the convenience: appealing to consumers by making our drab lives that little bit easier.  Perhaps it actually was a problem the world over; that people were flamboyantly sacrificing the shine of their hair so one hand was free to turn the shower on.  Or maybe it’s because blokes all over the world turned to a female and asked: “what’s a conditioner?”

For those who had lost sleep, churning the pros and cons of each bottle in their respective minds, Wash & Go was a saviour.

Now, I don’t boil eggs often (you can see where I’m going with this).  Possibly because of the lack of equipment I own in order to do so:  I’ve no egg-timer and no egg-cups.

But will I buy two types of egg-boiling equipment?  I think not.

What the devil does this actually mean?

It seems that 100% is the new nice.  So when you say:

This pizza is 100% quality and 100% tasty.

You’re really saying:

This pizza is really nice.

To me, it’s just lazy.  Would a company say that any of its products were less than 100% quality?  Probably not - unless that was their selling point (e.g. Car for sale.  No engine; no wheels; excessive rust.  Found in woods.  Countless careless owners.  £10.).  So by using 100% something, you’re just wasting space.

A way of making 100% tasty better, would be to do a bit of maths before it.  For instance:

50% cheesey + 50% meaty = 100% tasty

Okay, so it’s not exactly brilliant, but at least you know why the pizza is meant to be so tasty.  You can’t just tell me it’s 100% tasty, because I don’t believe you.  Tell me why Mr Pizza Man.  Tell me why.

This rant comes courtesy of Domino’s Pizza.

It’s sometimes the little things.  Because little things often become generic things that everybody writes, or indeed has to write.

So when somebody pays attention to the little things, it makes you - the reader - feel loved.  Well I feel loved, so you can just go along with it.

A good friend of mine (via Caroline) is Zoe with an umlaut.  She gave me a couple of howies clothing catalogues to have a flick through.  Not because I wanted some new clothes, but because she was so impressed with the content.  They sell the brand without shoving the products in your face - which ain’t an easy thing to do.

But it was the last five words of this fascinating little booklet that caught my attention.  Buried at the bottom of the credits, the first three of those five words were pretty standard:

All rights reserved

It was the next two that made the drabbest of sentences gleam with pride:

All rights reserved and deserved.

Simple, but brilliant.  I s’pose that old phrase still rings true: take care of the little things and those bigger things will take care of themselves.