Slightly Askew

Vague is the taxi that’s always “a few minutes away”.
Vague is the crashed computer that tells you “an error occurred”.
Vague is the supermarket website that informs you “delivery may be more than the price quoted”.
Vague is the restaurant menu that “may contain nuts”.

Vague is annoying, useless and surefire way to piss your customers off.

Accurate is the automated email that tells you “I’m automated, but if you need to reply, use this address”.
Accurate is the pricing structure that explains “there is no postage discount for multiple orders because shipping is automated”.
Accurate is the restaurant that tells you “we are not a fast food joint so you will have to wait”.
Accurate is the sign that informs you “occupancy by more than 499 persons is dangerous and unlawful”.

Accurate is sometimes annoying, but often useful because it requires attention and honesty.

If you have the need to explain yourself, I think it’s best to be accurate.

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What a shit word efficient is. It’s an ugly one, too.

Yes, yes, those who are efficient get things done in the shortest amount of time and expend the least amount of energy. Being efficient might reduce costs, but it probably leads to a rubbish product. And when I say rubbish, what I really mean is soulless.

Efficient people weigh things up. Whatever happened to just doing things?

Sometimes it’s fun to just get in a car an drive somewhere. To blurt something out without thinking about it. To book a hotel without reading some fuckwit’s opinion on TripAdvisor.

Efficient people don’t do that. They research and collate and ponder and decide and execute and measure. Yuk.

So here’s a toast:

To fucking up the first attempt. To having a stab in the dark and ending up with egg on your face, but a life lesson you’ll never forget. To blowing that twenty quid on a silly hat because you’re never likely to see its sillyness again. To scoffing a tasty bacon sandwich even if you did have breakfast only an hour ago. To working all week on something and then discarding it because it was shite. To starting a sentence with the word and. To starting a whole bloody book with the word and. To writing ten pages when one would’ve done. To writing one page when ten were requested. To doing what you feel is right, and not what you were asked. To sticking two fingers up to efficiency, and embracing the spontaneous. To following your heart as much as your head. To being here now.

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So I was trying to explain how luxury watches aren’t just about telling the time – they’re status symbols, fine pieces of jewellery, examples of horological excellence. But I accidentally left out the word “just”.

Still, it’s nice that James and Glen in the studio decided to let me off. Being the new boy and that. Thanks chaps. I owe you one.

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I’d prescribe a healthy dose of The Ad Contrarian to anyone looking to wipe the corporate bullshit from their shoes. TAC – Bob Hoffman to his friends – even sent me a book. All the way from San Francisco. I’ve read it, and I’ll read it again. Good books are always worth reading again.

In Friday’s post, he mentioned the word ‘iconic’ and how its use has jumped the shark. I’m going to agree and apologise. Because as a copywriter, perhaps I’ve used the word ‘iconic’ like fat people use ketchup. Too often.

Maybe iconic is the new solution. And if it is… well, prepare yourself for the avalanche.

After all, where’s the shame in calling yourself a gardener?

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I was once - I say “once”, it’ll probably happen again - confronted by someone questioning my use of the word and at the start of a sentence.

When I questioned why the position of this little word caused a problem, the response was this:

My teacher at school always told me not to start a sentence with and.

Many of my teachers weren’t particularly clever. My English teacher often changed her mind to go with the general consensus of the class. I swear on at least one occasion she stole my answer and passed it off as her own. So forgive me if I don’t really care for what your English teacher taught you.

Sadly, a simple “fuck off” doesn’t satisfy people; you have to provide evidence. Fortunately I found some on the back cover of Bill Bryson’s Troublesome Words.

The belief that and should not be used to begin a sentence is without foundation. And that’s all there is to it.

Thanks, Bill.

The act of questioning someone else’s work is sadly commonplace. Long gone are the days when people were simply trusted to do a job well. Management consultants probably call it inclusivity. I much prefer interference. Or back-seat driving.

David Ogilvy sums it up brilliantly (as he often does).

Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

Thanks, David.

If your goal is to knock people’s confidence and generate average work, keep opening your mouth. Otherwise, it’s probably better that people wonder why you don’t speak than why you bother to at all.

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I visited McDonald’s today.  I ordered a Big Mac and waited patiently.  A young lady returned with my order and, as she placed it in my hand, said:

You should stop putting fatty foods into your body and get more exercise.  Why do you do it?  You should have more self-respect; a little more care and consideration about what you eat wouldn’t go amiss.

This, of course, didn’t happen.

However, I did go into Next’s town centre store in Ipswich.  It’s a familiar scene: rails and rails of clothes on plastic hangers; greetings cards in cellophane wrappers; and make-up gift sets in clear plastic boxes.

They also had reusable bags with the carrying the slogan ‘dare to care’.

If your company isn’t prepared to put in the effort, why should your customers?

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I wrote my first ever Amazon review a few days ago.

It was about the rather wonderful Kenwood Smoothie To Go SB055.  Here’s a brief excerpt:

This smoothie maker will not, of course, change your life. But it will make you forget all those horribly awkward previous incarnations that got used once every six months. You know the ones: dishwasher safe but too big to fit in the dishwasher; quickly became scummy around seals and spouts.

Good eh?

I got a warm fuzzy feeling from writing that review - albeit a capitalist one.  Rewarding Kenwood for their innovation by giving prospective customers a delicate but honest shove in the right direction - at zero cost to supplier or customer.  The only cost is my time.

You do it too.  Maybe not on Amazon, and maybe not with the verve and swagger of I, but you do do it.

Down the pub, over dinner, or on the phone.  We’re always talking about products that make us happy, or service that makes us frustrated (if you want frustration, try finding a customer support number in 30 seconds on www.123-reg.co.uk).

So if you want more customers, give your existing customers - and anybody else for that matter - something good to talk about.

Easter eggs anyone?

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Following yesterday’s post, Caroline - my better-qualified half - pointed out that having “more legroom on a First Choice Holiday” could be intended to build up imagery of spaciousness and relaxation on your particular holiday.

And she’s absolutely right.  It does do that.  But only when it’s been explained to me.

So although I think the strapline would work well visually:

Shot of man sitting down in aircraft.

Zooms in to show man stretching legs.

Zooms out to show man now on deserted beach on sun-lounger, being brought overly-extravagant cocktail by penguin-suited waiter.

Strapline and voiceover: “You get more legroom on a First Choice Holiday”.

Logo and website.

Commercial ends.

The text-ad alone doesn’t do that.  Well, not for me anyway.

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Copied directly from Google AdWords: 

First Choice Holidays - www.firstchoice.co.uk - More legroom on First Choice Holidays. Book online today & save.

I’m hoping they were going to use the words flights, planes, or aircraft instead of Holidays.  Alas, brand governance probably caused sense to be jettisoned.

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One of the best books I’ve read recently is Chocolate Mousse for Greedy Goose.

It’s full of fun, the story has a great rhythm, and the use of language is wonderful.

I should also mention the beautiful illustrations.  And the fact that it’s suitable for children.

I think I liked it more than my nephew.

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