Slightly Askew

The ability to blockquote is only the touch of a button away in Wordpress, so it’s easy to add visual emphasis when I’m quoting someone.

It’s a town for losers, but I’m pulling outta here to win.

But when using my better-half’s laptop - that’s still making use of the wonderfully archaic Internet Explorer 6 (or IE6 if you’re up with web slang) - I noticed that text underneath a blockquote was shifting to the left slightly. And then after the next blockquote it would shift even further to the left. And so on. Not good.

Oddly, I’ve managed to solve the problem by adding a simple border to the offending blockquotes. I’ve no idea why this works, but it does.

Usually, I’d never take this approach. I need to the exact cause of the problem in order to understand why the solution works.

But I’m getting older. IE6 is getting older too. Hopefully it will be extinct before me.

The moral of this story: pick your battles.

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I was once - I say “once”, it’ll probably happen again - confronted by someone questioning my use of the word and at the start of a sentence.

When I questioned why the position of this little word caused a problem, the response was this:

My teacher at school always told me not to start a sentence with and.

Many of my teachers weren’t particularly clever. My English teacher often changed her mind to go with the general consensus of the class. I swear on at least one occasion she stole my answer and passed it off as her own. So forgive me if I don’t really care for what your English teacher taught you.

Sadly, a simple “fuck off” doesn’t satisfy people; you have to provide evidence. Fortunately I found some on the back cover of Bill Bryson’s Troublesome Words.

The belief that and should not be used to begin a sentence is without foundation. And that’s all there is to it.

Thanks, Bill.

The act of questioning someone else’s work is sadly commonplace. Long gone are the days when people were simply trusted to do a job well. Management consultants probably call it inclusivity. I much prefer interference. Or back-seat driving.

David Ogilvy sums it up brilliantly (as he often does).

Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

Thanks, David.

If your goal is to knock people’s confidence and generate average work, keep opening your mouth. Otherwise, it’s probably better that people wonder why you don’t speak than why you bother to at all.

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Just a thought:

Would a pedant, stuck alone on a desert island, still write SOS?

Because SMS doesn’t look the same upside-down.

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If yesterday’s post about search engine optimisation (SEO) was like throwing you in the deep end, then I hope you’ve learned to swim.

Only because SEO is a great way to spend less money on Google AdWords and generate more profit per sale.

And you don’t need to be a genius to get the basics right.

The even better news is that Google are on your side; they want you to rank higher - they really do.

No, I’m not talking shit; let me explain…

Google’s goal is to return the most relevant searches to a user’s query.  That’s why they’ve grown as big as they have - their search engine brought back more relevant results more often.

For instance: I’m a freelance(ish) copywriter based in Ipswich who’s good with websites and marketing-savvy.  If somebody is looking for a copywriting marketer based in the county town of Suffolk - I’m your man.

So, obviously, I want people to find me for terms such as “Copywriting Marketer Ipswich”.  And as of today, this website is number one for that search term.

It’s not me that’s clever - it’s the people at Google.  They’ll find you and work out how relevant you are unless you deliberately tell them not to.

But if you do want to be found, what’s wrong with giving them a few tell-tale signs?

Imagine you were lost.  You know there’s a helicopter looking for you, equipped with one of those fancy heat cameras that they use to track criminals.  So no matter where you are, it should be able to find you.  Having said that, rather than sit in the undergrowth, you’d probably find a clearing, write SOS with anything you can cobble together, and start a fucking big fire.

So if you’re business is lost amongst all the others, SEO could be your SOS.

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You’ve probably heard of search engine optimisation (SEO): it’s the art (or otherwise) of getting your site to rank highly in search engines.

The good news is that it’s not actually that difficult.  And, on the other hand, er… it is.

It all depends on what keywords you want your site to rank highly for.

Keywords are the words or phrases that a user types into Google (other reputable search engines are available, but I don’t use them).

The keywords you want to rank for will for will affect how easy it will be to rank highly.

If you want to rank highly for “fish restaurant” then you’re going to struggle.  Much easier is to include the town or county that your restaurant is in.  The search term “fish restaurant Ipswich” will be easier to rank for as there’s less competition.

It’s a lot more relevant too - someone isn’t going to drive from Newcastle just for the halibut.  (If they are, you needn’t worry about search engine optimisation - go open a few more restaurants).

But how do you know people search for the term “fish restaurant” and not “seafood restaurant”.  The answer, gentle readers, is Google trends.  Ideally though, you’d want to rank highly for both terms.

This where an SEO copywriter should do their bit.  An SEO copywriter, as you’ve probably guessed, does their copywriting with search engine optimisation in mind.

The first, and most important, thing to do is to look at the HTML title tag.

The title tag is what you see at the very top of your browser.  The words in the title tag are the words that appear in blue on Google’s search results pages.

A nifty title tag will include your restaurant’s name, what type of food it serves, and where it is.  Aim for 65 characters or less.  Something like:

The Captain’s Table | Fish & Seafood Restaurant, Ipswich, Suffolk

That’s exactly 65 characters long and includes all your keywords.  And more to the point, it’s still clear and easy to read.

That’s all for today’s lesson.  More on SEO in the coming days, weeks, and months.

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Don’t be a dullard.  I’ve probably read it before, I’ll probably read it again.  Make your stab at it interesting.  Please.

If you like looking stupid, continue to spell things the wrong way.  If you don’t, wake up and smell the apostrophe.

Linking to a site in the middle of text is good.  It offers the reader a way out of your boring copy, or provides evidence that you’re not talking utter shit.

Do not even think about using the word solution.  Ever.  You are a fucking gardener.  You do not offer gardening solutions.

Write like you talk.  Unless you speak like a fool.

Punctuation isn’t word-decoration for posh people, you thickie.

You want people to find you in Google for certain words - copywriting, for instance.  So use those words - like copywriting - every now and again.  You can even format those important words - like copywriting - in bold type to really ram the idea down Google’s throat.

But don’t use that word - you know the one I mean - that often, or Google will realise you’re a filthy, cheating, dirty spammer.  With a black hat.

Write lists with irksome headlines like Eleven copywriting tips to turn your ugly ducklings into an elegant swans!

Get your keyword into italics without anyone realising.

Use loads of paragraphs to mask your minimal output.

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1. There a no shortcuts.
2. Don’t waste time with things that make you unhappy.
3. You can’t fake it.
4. It’s never as scary as you think it’s going to be.
5. Books are still great.
6. Stay positive; worrying achieves nothing.
7. It’s okay to be shit at things.
8. Honestly is still the best policy.
9. It’s not you, it’s them.
10. The only thing that proves you can do it is doing it.

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Two of my best friends - Danny and Katie - are hairdressers.  Brilliant hairdressers, in fact.

This means two things:

1. Looking this good costs less.
2. I don’t go into salons much.

I went to Katie’s salon today though.  It’s spanking new and pretty swish.  So swish in fact, I could’ve had a glass of cold Budweiser while my barnet was being chopped.

I questioned Katie about how they get around licensing laws.  Turns out that you don’t buy the drink; you rent the glass.  The drink is effectively free.

They don’t make a profit on it either; it’s done for the benefit of the customers.

Which is pretty cool I think.

It demonstrates that not every element of your business should make a profit.  Some elements that only break-even are worth talking about.

So what about if you made a loss?  What if those drinks were absolutely free?  What if I was brought a cold Budweiser without even asking for one?

Cold Budweiser, sir?

Yes please.  I’ll happily drink it, relax during my haircut, and then tell all my mates about your salon.  Never underestimate how much blokes talk about the time I got a free beer.

I know of companies that give away £10 vouchers if you refer your friends to them.  Why not spend £10 giving a service worth talking about?

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Imagine there are twenty-five people in a room.  You’re about to open a great new shoe shop and you want to know what size shoe most people want to buy.  You pass around a piece of a paper and everyone writes what shoe size they want to be stocked.  If you take everyone’s opinion into account and do a bit of maths, you’ll get an average shoe size.

Similarly, you can take an advert for your shoe shop into that room of twenty-five people.  You pass it around, let everyone have their input, and make changes based upon that input.  The result is exactly the same: you get an average advert.

Do you want average?

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Here’s a heart-achingly intense magical 4 minute moment.

i will turn - i will turn your tide
do all that i can to heal you inside
i’ll be the angel on your shoulder
my name is Geraldine, i’m your social worker

Amazing.

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